Oh dear, that sounds actually quite gloomy...but it's not meant to be. What this is supposed to mean is that - yes, from today onwards I want to be happy.
I want. Big words. Easy to say. I want. The question is, however, what is it I want? And more importantly, how do I know what I want? Because what I want changes. Like the leaves on a tree. Only more quickly. More drastically...as in yesterday for example, I wanted to move to Geneva. And today I want to go on a Yoga-retreat-ultimate-self-discovery-journey to Goa...and tomorrow I might want to move to a small town by the seaside and be a teacher again. Not that everything I want mutually excludes everything else I want. But I seem to want everything exclusively and absolutely.
(Oh dear, I guess a team of shrinks would have a blast reading this, analyzing all my 'issues').
Happy. Always the ultimate answer to the question that comes up right around the end of a year: What is your New Year resolution? So, what are your plans for the coming year? Answer: I want to make myself happy. Ensuing question to myself– well, you guessed right – but how the hell do I do that? How do I know that I’m happy? Or maybe am I happy already and just don't know it? Do I have to be unhappy when I know that I am not happy? Am I not happy because I don't get what I want (see paragraph above)? Am I asking myself the wrong questions? Am I asking questions that I know are impossible to answer and therefore give me reason enough to fret and moan about my all-so-unhappy self?
Happy = lightness. Opposite to unhappy, darkness, heavy darkness, gloom. But can you be ultimately 100% happy with everything that you are, with everything you’ve got – or are people just lying to themselves and are actually just as unhappy as I am?
For me it’s always been a question of principle: all or nothing. Ganz oder gar nicht.
But as I have painfully realized – ‘ganz oder gar nicht’ geht nicht.
I would like to move from ‘wanting to be happy’ to actually being ‘happy. What if I am happy already but I don’t like to admit it because if I do I’ve got nothing else to worry or fuss about? Well, that’s pathetic, you would think. But think again. Especially when it is me, we’re talking about...
Or maybe I am asking myself the wrong questions. Or I should stop asking questions altogether and just make up statements and believe in them as if there were true...a la: Well, I am happy. Period. I am happy and I make myself believe that I am. Self-deception? Get outta here! No way!
Anyway, you see what I mean? And this is just the beginning...there is more where this brain crap is coming from...
But not today. Tomorrow.
Oh, and by the way: it is Friday, the 13th! How exciting! I love 13. x
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