Friends...
They know how you tick, they know lots about you, they will be there for you when you need them. They make you laugh, they cry with you if need be. They want you in their lives just as you want them to be in yours.
Is that what it means to be a 'friend'?
And when they don't tick all those boxes, are they not your friends anymore?
My friends deserted me when I needed them most.
When you feel completely lost, your emotions are on a constant rollercoaster, your mind is just blank and your body just functions - you turn to your closest friends for advice, comfort or just a hug.
When you are in such a state, you can't even express yourself because you don't know what it is you are expressing. My friends probably had the impression that they had to speak for me, knew better what is best for me...but they didn't really listen to me. They didn't know me. Didn't try to understand me.
Instead, they started projecting they're own experience/thoughts and solutions on my problem. Which only made my head spin even more and my emotions and my will was relinquished to what I was hearing. I trusted them completely, because I loved them and because I was lost and they seemed to know the way out. But it was their way and not mine. What I really wanted didn't really matter at the time.
I took this advice because I was so vulnerable and in a state of shock and they were my friends and I loved them and was led to believe they loved me, too, and that they only mean well and - most of all - because I trusted them to be there for me when the sh** would hit the fan!!!
And when the sh** does hit the fan - who is really there for you?
My world fell apart. I lost the ground beneath my feet and I fell long and hard and to a million pieces. I was broken. I lost a very important part of myself as well as my soulmate. And when I did, I was alone. Very very much alone.
I didn't expect to be alone in this. I expected my friends to be there for me and help me through this. Hm, I must have been on a different planet because my friends were busy, had appointments, couldn't make it, were out of town...even my very own sister whom I considered to be my closest friend at the time had to go a concert when I needed her by my side. It was a matter of life or death.
They simply...turned away from me - something I didn't expect, something I couldn't handle on top of everything else.
At the time I needed them by my side and a simple reassurance that they would help me should the need arise - that is what I would have done for them. Full stop. No question. I didn't want any money, material things, a roof over my head...I just wanted them to say that they would be there for me and mean it.
What an empty phrase: they kept reassuring me: "oh sweetie, of course I'll be there for you" - they were never actually there for me. What is a line in an email or perfume and body lotion compared to a friend by your side? Giving you the biggest hug ever in an attempt to stop you from sobbing, handing you the tissues and possibly a glass of really strong wine? Sleeping beside you because you're still afraid that something is going to go bad over night and you'll have nightmares. Even a line in an email or a text message is nothing compared to that. I needed hugs. I needed to see it in their eyes that they meant it.
So, friends, then, huh?...Where were they? Not there when I really needed them...When the sh** hit the fan they stopped caring for me, stopped loving me, were too much involved with themselves. When you've already fallen down the abyss and had your heart ripped out that is just what you need... NOT.
But I suppose nobody really wants to clean up somebody elses shit.
This was a severe blow to the head and to the heart and I am still working on the recovery today. My friends appeared back on the radar when 'the worst was over', claiming that they had been there for me all along. Really??? Strange but I don't remember them being there when I cried for days on end, when I wondered around town aimlessly not knowing where to go or what to do with myself, when I refused to sleep for days because the nights and nightmares were a regular trip to hell and back.
And because to me it seemed that they didn't care I had to swallow all those emotions and thoughts because I had noboby to talk to. They didn't want me when I was down and sad and broken. They only wanted me when I was back on top, funny and all smiles.
But that is not how it works, or is it??!
Apart from the scars that formed from what happened, this was just as bad. Deep scars. Deep deep scars.
Eventually, I put myself together again, the will to have a second chance was stronger than the feeling of hopelessness, defeat and loneliness. It took two years. I did it alone.
The mad thing is though, that because they were my friends and because I had 'sworn' some emotionally allegiance to them I couldn't just break with them. Insane really. My friends actually let me rot in the gutter but still I felt for them?? What is wrong with me??
It took me a while to get to that stage but I told them how angry and lonely and deserted and unloved I felt when things happened and they left me.
But did that even matter? Was that going to change anything about what happened? Was that going to make me feel better or make me regrett less what happened? No. Not really. But my heart refused to believe that.
After I carefully expressed how I felt about their 'friendship' there were some moments of shock. Yes, but apparently, it was my fault for taking things too seriously - or even literally. "Oh sweetie, I didn't think you actuallly meant that I should be there - in person."
But seriously, what is there to misunderstand when you ask your friends to actually be there for you?
...silly me.. I probably should have booked the tickets for them and shoved them up their noses!!! But even then they mightn't have bothered to come...
Sadness overcomes me. I would have moved a mountain for each and every one of them, they would not even have to ask.
Can you imagine the tears of anger and frustration and most of all sadness??
Deep breath. Oooommm. Don't cry again. It's done. It's the past.
Now, what can I learn from this experience? What do I do with all of this?
How can I use this an opportunity for growth? Forgive them because they didn't know what they were doing?
I've tried the forgiveness thing - not sure I've succeeded. I'll keep trying.
But I learned never to trust those friends again. I learned not to trust 'new friends' but rather keep them - not at arm's length but rather a mile away - from me.
I have learned to rely on myself only and not on anybody else. I am my very own best friend ever because I will always be there for me and I am strong enough to pick myself up - again if I have to.
I have learned not to commit, but this is a very lonely position to be in, to be honest.
I still talk to those friends but not very often. I keep my distance. Nothing is as before. Everything has changed. But incidently, I do care whether they live or die.
The scars however, are a constant reminder of what happens when you trust people too much and when you actually rely on their 'friendship'.
I have made some new friends over a year ago. And I am running the risk of 'demanding' too much of their friendship, so I am on my guard not to let myself get into this friendship-thing too deep.
...One of my new friends is brutaly honest with me but in a way that is neither hurtful nor patronizing. She respects my wishes and my opinions but she can also sense how I feel - without brushing my feelings aside, telling me it's all nonsense.
Do I want to commit to this friendship? I don't know, time will tell. But I wish I could have known her two years ago. She said something the other day that made me realize that that was what I wanted to hear two years ago: "Luv, this is about you and not about what I think you should or shouldn't do. I can open my arms and help you find out what it is you want but I am not going to tell you what to do. Because deep down inside you know what is right for you. You don't need me to tell you that but I can help you bringing it to the surface."
Tears. Again and again.
As life goes: the past is the past. It is gone. I have grown. I keep telling myself not to look back.
Instead, I will look forward to the future and am not going to make the same mistakes, for if I do all the pain and suffering will have been for nothing.
So, choose your friends carefully. Feel the connection. The right friends will know the melodie of your heart and find you. You don't have to do much. If you don't feel this connection, trust yourself and protect your heart.
For "Happy" ;-)
xxx
Friday 11 November 2011
Thursday 4 August 2011
Wear Sunscreen - Baz Luhrmann
I so needed that today :-)
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99:
wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
"sunscreen" would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen
have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice NOW!
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind;
you will not understand
the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded
but trust me: in 20 years,
you'll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can't grasp now
how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective
as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life
are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts;
don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy:
sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive.
Forget the insults:
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters,
throw away your old bank statements
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know
what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know
didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees:
you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't;
maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't;
maybe you'll divorce at 40;
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,
or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance;
so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body:
use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it:
it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines:
they will only make you feel ugly.
"Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurt
wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
"sunscreen" would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen
have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice NOW!
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind;
you will not understand
the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded
but trust me: in 20 years,
you'll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can't grasp now
how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective
as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life
are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts;
don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy:
sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive.
Forget the insults:
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters,
throw away your old bank statements
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know
what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know
didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees:
you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't;
maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't;
maybe you'll divorce at 40;
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,
or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance;
so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body:
use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it:
it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines:
they will only make you feel ugly.
"Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurt
but I've been waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can..."
Get to know your parents:
you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings:
they're your best link to your past
and the people
most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle,
because the older you get,
the more you need the people
who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once,
but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once,
but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
prices will rise,
politicians will philander.
You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble,
and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse,
but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair
or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy,
but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia;
dispensing it is a way
of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts
and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
("Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurt
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can..."
Get to know your parents:
you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings:
they're your best link to your past
and the people
most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle,
because the older you get,
the more you need the people
who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once,
but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once,
but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
prices will rise,
politicians will philander.
You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble,
and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse,
but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair
or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy,
but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia;
dispensing it is a way
of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts
and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
("Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurt
but I've been waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can...")
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can...")
Tuesday 3 May 2011
Day Six of the Rest of My Life - Shake off the Past
...that is easier said than done...especially when it keeps haunting you...
It is the pain that doesn't seem to want to go away or even ease off...I'm not consciously obsessing about it or retrieving it just to make myself feel bad or to confirm that I am indeed a 'piece of sh...'.
It's more the sadness and the disappointment in the people that I love and who don't think I'm worth the effort....
My friend Claire told me last night that if they don't recognize that I am such a wonderful, strong and lovable person then they are blind and it's their loss. It makes sense. Totally. But the trouble is that the people I am talking about are my family.
How do you process that in your conscience and your emotional realm? What do you do with the realization that the people that you've loved unconditionally for most of your life actually set conditions for loving you and that they have had set these conditions the whole time? Why is it that my love for them feels so pure but their love for me is so tainted? I would have given my right arm for each and every one of them!!
I suppose the question is...do I really need their love in order to live? Do I need love in order to exist? If they told me they loved me or showed me in any other way that they love me and care about me would that really still have an impact on my life? Or are my emotions just stuck in the past? Trapped in some unforgiving episode of the soap called 'Life'???
I don't have an answer to those questions.
But ironically, as much love-deprived as I am, I feel so much love inside, love that I want to share...love that I have felt for my family in the past but which somehow doesn't seem appropriate anymore...love that needs to find an outlet. I know that I should put this love to myself, nurture and protect myself, love myself. I am in the process of doing that.
But loving myself does not take away the loneliness. I can love myself and accept myself even spend time with myself and enjoy it. But I still feel like the loneliest person on the planet simply by knowing that nobody loves me. Unconditionally. Just the way I am. Catch 22!!!
I am me and I can stand on my own two feet. I've done that since forever. But I've always been emotionally tainted and imprisoned in the void created by the lack of love. The only person who did love me for me died when I was 11. So, for the longest time ever I have not been emotionally independent because I have been chasing after love...
I would really like to shake off these emotional shackles. I want to be free. Free from the heavy burden I had to put on myself...the idea that I can only be somebody when I feel loved.
If my family loved me would that change anything, really? Would that really make me happy?? Or is it too late for that?Would it give me more self-confidence? Would it make me whole?
I have been loved - unconditionally -by my grandmother who ignited that tiny little flame inside me. That is what must have kept me going though I would have wanted to end it many times.
My therapist used to say that I should try and cherish the fact that yes, despite all the shit that's happened to me and all the pain I have been going through I still turned out to be this fantastic, lovable, loving, complex and delightful creature. And that I have done this all by myself! With the little help and sunshine I've received from my grandmother!
I suppose that nothing would really change if my family suddenly turned around and showed me that they loved me. It really wouldn't change anything. (I am trying to convince myself of that.) I would like to believe that I am not alone. I don't have anybody to care for yet but that doesn't mean that I am alone. I've got friends in a lot of places and I've got myself - my most priced possession. :))
I am just hoping that I will be able to listen to myself and take my own advice.
I will come back to read this. Again and again until it sticks.
Namaste.
It is the pain that doesn't seem to want to go away or even ease off...I'm not consciously obsessing about it or retrieving it just to make myself feel bad or to confirm that I am indeed a 'piece of sh...'.
It's more the sadness and the disappointment in the people that I love and who don't think I'm worth the effort....
My friend Claire told me last night that if they don't recognize that I am such a wonderful, strong and lovable person then they are blind and it's their loss. It makes sense. Totally. But the trouble is that the people I am talking about are my family.
How do you process that in your conscience and your emotional realm? What do you do with the realization that the people that you've loved unconditionally for most of your life actually set conditions for loving you and that they have had set these conditions the whole time? Why is it that my love for them feels so pure but their love for me is so tainted? I would have given my right arm for each and every one of them!!
I suppose the question is...do I really need their love in order to live? Do I need love in order to exist? If they told me they loved me or showed me in any other way that they love me and care about me would that really still have an impact on my life? Or are my emotions just stuck in the past? Trapped in some unforgiving episode of the soap called 'Life'???
I don't have an answer to those questions.
But ironically, as much love-deprived as I am, I feel so much love inside, love that I want to share...love that I have felt for my family in the past but which somehow doesn't seem appropriate anymore...love that needs to find an outlet. I know that I should put this love to myself, nurture and protect myself, love myself. I am in the process of doing that.
But loving myself does not take away the loneliness. I can love myself and accept myself even spend time with myself and enjoy it. But I still feel like the loneliest person on the planet simply by knowing that nobody loves me. Unconditionally. Just the way I am. Catch 22!!!
I am me and I can stand on my own two feet. I've done that since forever. But I've always been emotionally tainted and imprisoned in the void created by the lack of love. The only person who did love me for me died when I was 11. So, for the longest time ever I have not been emotionally independent because I have been chasing after love...
I would really like to shake off these emotional shackles. I want to be free. Free from the heavy burden I had to put on myself...the idea that I can only be somebody when I feel loved.
If my family loved me would that change anything, really? Would that really make me happy?? Or is it too late for that?Would it give me more self-confidence? Would it make me whole?
I have been loved - unconditionally -by my grandmother who ignited that tiny little flame inside me. That is what must have kept me going though I would have wanted to end it many times.
My therapist used to say that I should try and cherish the fact that yes, despite all the shit that's happened to me and all the pain I have been going through I still turned out to be this fantastic, lovable, loving, complex and delightful creature. And that I have done this all by myself! With the little help and sunshine I've received from my grandmother!
I suppose that nothing would really change if my family suddenly turned around and showed me that they loved me. It really wouldn't change anything. (I am trying to convince myself of that.) I would like to believe that I am not alone. I don't have anybody to care for yet but that doesn't mean that I am alone. I've got friends in a lot of places and I've got myself - my most priced possession. :))
I am just hoping that I will be able to listen to myself and take my own advice.
I will come back to read this. Again and again until it sticks.
Namaste.
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Day Five of the Rest of my Life: I am what I am and not what you want me to be
...yes and it took a while for me to realize that - painfully. Why should I be what you want me to be when I get to be me???
Don't bully me into something I am not. I've been bullied all my life and I’ve had enough now. I don't want this anymore. I never really knew what it meant to say: 'If you don't love/like me for who I am then you don't deserve to be with me.' But it makes sense to me know. After all this time.
I am what I am and I am great the way I am - with all my faults and imperfections. I am unique and I am me.
Helga. Helkele. And that's it, really.
I am not this meeky little thing anymore – well of course I am still me but my core is protected now and I can stretch my spine and stand up straight and breathe a bit more freely.
The boots weren’t for me after all. I break in the boots and not the other way around. And when they don’t fit and hurt my feet I will not wear them anymore. It’s simple, really. And it took just one little comment of yours, K, – most likely unintentionally – to make me realize that if you don’t like me as a whole then you don’t like me at all. You don’t get to just like my hair or just my eyes or just my butt. In this case it’s all or nothing. And you chose nothing. I chose me.
Unfortunately, it cost me a few tears but I suppose that is how you (literally) get things out of your system.
I will try hard not to look for the good in people anymore, but rather want to try to recognize it when they reveal it to me. (Sometimes I don’t see it because it is too obvious. I am so used to having to dig things up or to fight for things...) When people don’t show it it’s probably not there. Because why would you want to hide your goodness from others? I don’t want to try to heal other people anymore but rather I will nurture myself and make sure that all the love I feel is passed on to the right person who deserves it. This is promise I make to myself and I intend to keep it. xxx
Don't bully me into something I am not. I've been bullied all my life and I’ve had enough now. I don't want this anymore. I never really knew what it meant to say: 'If you don't love/like me for who I am then you don't deserve to be with me.' But it makes sense to me know. After all this time.
I am what I am and I am great the way I am - with all my faults and imperfections. I am unique and I am me.
Helga. Helkele. And that's it, really.
I am not this meeky little thing anymore – well of course I am still me but my core is protected now and I can stretch my spine and stand up straight and breathe a bit more freely.
The boots weren’t for me after all. I break in the boots and not the other way around. And when they don’t fit and hurt my feet I will not wear them anymore. It’s simple, really. And it took just one little comment of yours, K, – most likely unintentionally – to make me realize that if you don’t like me as a whole then you don’t like me at all. You don’t get to just like my hair or just my eyes or just my butt. In this case it’s all or nothing. And you chose nothing. I chose me.
Unfortunately, it cost me a few tears but I suppose that is how you (literally) get things out of your system.
I will try hard not to look for the good in people anymore, but rather want to try to recognize it when they reveal it to me. (Sometimes I don’t see it because it is too obvious. I am so used to having to dig things up or to fight for things...) When people don’t show it it’s probably not there. Because why would you want to hide your goodness from others? I don’t want to try to heal other people anymore but rather I will nurture myself and make sure that all the love I feel is passed on to the right person who deserves it. This is promise I make to myself and I intend to keep it. xxx
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