Intermission - Practice: Boots and VW girl

So, here I am ...trying to find myself....and instead I found S. Or better: he found me. We had an explosive beginning and a middle that consisted of raunchy sms and clandestine meetings and an abrupt guillotine ending. Two weeks. Wow!!! I found out quickly what I want and what I don't ...all the while trying carefully not to get emotionally involved too quickly. Hold your horses, I kept telling myself over and over again. Give it time. Give him time. But really?
Well, I do have an allergic reaction to people who are trying to press me into a mold that I don't want to be pressed into. That's good, I suppose. It's good that I can say 'no' and 'stop' when it doesn't feel right. But why don't I feel the satisfaction I should for standing up for myself??? Why does it taste bitter and why am I close to tears? It feels quite ridiculous even talking about this because this is what people do all the time...they buy a pair of shoes or boots, wear them a couple of times and with the generous capitalist policy in this country they can return them or dispose of them to their liking. It's quite normal, I guess. Well, I grew up in a country where it was very difficult to get any boots at all. But does that mean that now I have to feel bad for not wanting those boots? In the past I would have had to wear them...simply because there wasn't a choice and indeed a shortage of boots and actually of everything else... But hang on, I'm getting side-tracked into the shoe business and maybe slightly confuse men with boots? Very odd!
Anyhow, S is a lover of Ferrari-girls as he calls them...and from day one I was suspect about what he wanted with me anyway- a normal VW girl. Maybe it is my suspicion that killed it. Maybe I am too inflexible or maybe even too scared to find out what I would look like as a Ferrari or Porsche girl. Maybe. But what I know for sure is that I want to be able to express myself and what I want, and I want to be respected for that. I don't cope well with orders and commands especially when they only benefit other people and only please me on a secondary level.
Selfishness!!!! Yeah, that must be the key!!!!! Memo to self: Be strong, be selfish and tell to go and ..you know what. Yes! I can do this. Ommmm.
 But why am I not jumping up and down, celebrating my newly-found selfishness???? Is it because it's so new, unusual???
No! It is scary and intimidating and I don't know what to do with it especially since past experience has taught me that if you're (I, that is) selfish then you'll end up alone and unloved (that's my mother for you!)  Oh dear...
Well, I guess we shall see if that holds true as well.
In any case, deep down inside I don't think there is anything wrong with saying how you feel or what you think or what you want. S does it. All the time. And if S cannot respect what I have to say well then...thank god I kept the receipt! :-)