...that is easier said than done...especially when it keeps haunting you...
It is the pain that doesn't seem to want to go away or even ease off...I'm not consciously obsessing about it or retrieving it just to make myself feel bad or to confirm that I am indeed a 'piece of sh...'.
It's more the sadness and the disappointment in the people that I love and who don't think I'm worth the effort....
My friend Claire told me last night that if they don't recognize that I am such a wonderful, strong and lovable person then they are blind and it's their loss. It makes sense. Totally. But the trouble is that the people I am talking about are my family.
How do you process that in your conscience and your emotional realm? What do you do with the realization that the people that you've loved unconditionally for most of your life actually set conditions for loving you and that they have had set these conditions the whole time? Why is it that my love for them feels so pure but their love for me is so tainted? I would have given my right arm for each and every one of them!!
I suppose the question is...do I really need their love in order to live? Do I need love in order to exist? If they told me they loved me or showed me in any other way that they love me and care about me would that really still have an impact on my life? Or are my emotions just stuck in the past? Trapped in some unforgiving episode of the soap called 'Life'???
I don't have an answer to those questions.
But ironically, as much love-deprived as I am, I feel so much love inside, love that I want to share...love that I have felt for my family in the past but which somehow doesn't seem appropriate anymore...love that needs to find an outlet. I know that I should put this love to myself, nurture and protect myself, love myself. I am in the process of doing that.
But loving myself does not take away the loneliness. I can love myself and accept myself even spend time with myself and enjoy it. But I still feel like the loneliest person on the planet simply by knowing that nobody loves me. Unconditionally. Just the way I am. Catch 22!!!
I am me and I can stand on my own two feet. I've done that since forever. But I've always been emotionally tainted and imprisoned in the void created by the lack of love. The only person who did love me for me died when I was 11. So, for the longest time ever I have not been emotionally independent because I have been chasing after love...
I would really like to shake off these emotional shackles. I want to be free. Free from the heavy burden I had to put on myself...the idea that I can only be somebody when I feel loved.
If my family loved me would that change anything, really? Would that really make me happy?? Or is it too late for that?Would it give me more self-confidence? Would it make me whole?
I have been loved - unconditionally -by my grandmother who ignited that tiny little flame inside me. That is what must have kept me going though I would have wanted to end it many times.
My therapist used to say that I should try and cherish the fact that yes, despite all the shit that's happened to me and all the pain I have been going through I still turned out to be this fantastic, lovable, loving, complex and delightful creature. And that I have done this all by myself! With the little help and sunshine I've received from my grandmother!
I suppose that nothing would really change if my family suddenly turned around and showed me that they loved me. It really wouldn't change anything. (I am trying to convince myself of that.) I would like to believe that I am not alone. I don't have anybody to care for yet but that doesn't mean that I am alone. I've got friends in a lot of places and I've got myself - my most priced possession. :))
I am just hoping that I will be able to listen to myself and take my own advice.
I will come back to read this. Again and again until it sticks.
Namaste.
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