...forgive them because they don't know what they've done...?!

Friends...
They know how you tick, they know lots about you, they will be there for you when you need them. They make you laugh, they cry with you if need be. They want you in their lives just as you want them to be in yours.

Is that what it means to be a 'friend'?
And when they don't tick all those boxes, are they not your friends anymore?
My friends deserted me when I needed them most.

When you feel completely lost, your emotions are on a constant rollercoaster, your mind is just blank and your body just functions - you turn to your closest friends for advice, comfort or just a hug.

When you are in such a state, you can't even express yourself because you don't know what it is you are expressing. My friends probably had the impression that they had to speak for me,  knew better what is best for me...but they didn't really listen to me. They didn't know me. Didn't try to understand me.
Instead, they started projecting they're own experience/thoughts and solutions on my problem. Which only made my head spin even more and my emotions and my will was relinquished to what I was hearing. I trusted them completely, because I loved them and because I was lost and they seemed to know the way out. But it was their way and not mine. What I really wanted didn't really matter at the time.

I took this advice because I was so vulnerable and in a state of shock and they were my friends and I loved them and was led to believe they loved me, too, and that they only mean well and - most of all - because I trusted them to be there for me when the sh** would hit the fan!!!

And when the sh** does hit the fan - who is really there for you?

My world fell apart. I lost the ground beneath my feet and I fell long and hard and to a million pieces. I was broken. I lost a very important part of myself as well as my soulmate. And when I did, I was alone. Very very much alone.

I didn't expect to be alone in this. I expected my friends to be there for me and help me through this. Hm, I must have been on a different planet because my friends were busy, had appointments, couldn't make it, were out of town...even my very own sister whom I considered to be my closest friend at the time had to go a concert when I needed her by my side. It was a matter of life or death.

They simply...turned away from me - something I didn't expect, something I couldn't handle on top of everything else.

At the time I needed them by my side and a simple reassurance that they would help me should the need arise - that is what I would have done for them. Full stop. No question. I didn't want any money, material things, a roof over my head...I just wanted them to say that they would be there for me and mean it.

What an empty phrase: they kept reassuring me: "oh sweetie, of course I'll be there for you" - they were never actually there for me. What is a line in an email or perfume and body lotion compared to a friend by your side? Giving you the biggest hug ever in an attempt to stop you from sobbing, handing you the tissues and possibly a glass of really strong wine? Sleeping beside you because you're still afraid that something is going to go bad over night and you'll  have nightmares. Even a line in an email or a text message is nothing compared to that. I needed hugs. I needed to see it in their eyes that they meant it.

So, friends, then, huh?...Where were they? Not there when I really needed them...When the sh** hit the fan they stopped caring for me, stopped loving me, were too much involved with themselves. When you've already fallen down the abyss and had your heart ripped out that is just what you need... NOT.
But I suppose nobody really wants to clean up somebody elses shit.

This was a severe blow to the head and to the heart and I am still working on the recovery today. My friends appeared back on the radar when 'the worst was over', claiming that they had been there for me all along. Really??? Strange but I don't remember them being there when I cried for days on end, when I wondered around town aimlessly not knowing where to go or what to do with myself, when I refused to sleep for days because the nights and nightmares were a regular trip to hell and back.

And because to me it seemed that they didn't care I had to swallow all those emotions and thoughts because I had noboby to talk to. They didn't want me when I was down and sad and broken. They only wanted me when I was back on top, funny and all smiles.
But that is  not how it works, or is it??!
Apart from the scars that formed from what happened, this was just as bad. Deep scars. Deep deep scars.

Eventually, I put myself together again, the will to have a second chance was stronger than the feeling of hopelessness, defeat and loneliness. It took two years. I did it alone.

The mad thing is though, that because they were my friends and because I had 'sworn' some emotionally allegiance to them I couldn't just break with them. Insane really. My friends actually let me rot in the gutter but still I felt for them?? What is wrong with me??

It took me a while to get to that stage but I told them how angry and lonely and deserted and unloved I felt when things happened and they left me.
But did that even matter? Was that going to change anything about what happened? Was that going to make me feel better or make me regrett less what happened? No. Not really. But my heart refused to believe that.
After I carefully expressed how I felt about their 'friendship' there were some moments of shock. Yes, but apparently, it was my fault for taking things too seriously - or even literally. "Oh sweetie, I didn't think you actuallly meant that I should be there - in person."
But seriously, what is there to misunderstand when you ask your friends to actually be there for you?
...silly me.. I probably should have booked the tickets for them and shoved them up their noses!!! But even then they mightn't have bothered to come...

Sadness overcomes me. I would have moved a mountain for each and every one of them, they would not even have to ask.

Can you imagine the tears of anger and frustration and most of all sadness??

Deep breath. Oooommm. Don't cry again. It's done. It's the past.

Now, what can I learn from this experience? What do I do with all of this?
How can I use this an opportunity for growth? Forgive them because they didn't know what they were doing?

I've tried the forgiveness thing - not sure I've succeeded. I'll keep trying.
But I learned never to trust those friends again. I learned not to trust 'new friends' but rather keep them - not at arm's length but rather a mile away - from me.
I have learned to rely on myself only and not on anybody else.  I am my very own best friend ever because I will always be there for me and I am strong enough to pick myself up - again if I have to.

I have learned not to commit, but this is a very lonely position to be in, to be honest.

I still talk to those friends but not very often. I keep my distance. Nothing is as before. Everything has changed. But incidently, I do care whether they live or die.

The scars however, are a constant reminder of what happens when you trust people too much and when you actually rely on their 'friendship'.

I have made some new friends over a year ago. And I am running the risk of 'demanding' too much of their friendship, so I am on my guard not to let myself get into this friendship-thing too deep.

 ...One of my new friends is brutaly honest with me but in a way that is neither hurtful nor patronizing. She respects my wishes and my opinions but she can also sense how I feel - without brushing my feelings aside, telling me it's all nonsense.
Do I want to commit to this friendship? I don't know, time will tell. But I wish I could have known her two years ago. She said something the other day that made me realize that that was what I wanted to hear  two years ago: "Luv, this is about you and not about what I think you should or shouldn't do. I can open my arms and help you find out what it is you want but I am not going to tell you what to do. Because deep down inside you know what is right for you. You don't need me to tell you that but I can help you bringing it to the surface."

Tears. Again and again.

As life goes: the past is the past. It is gone. I have grown. I keep telling myself not to look back.
Instead, I will look forward to the future and am not going to make the same mistakes, for if I do all the pain and suffering will have been for nothing.

So, choose your friends carefully. Feel the connection. The right friends will know the melodie of your heart and find you. You don't have to do much. If you don't feel this connection, trust yourself and protect your heart.

For "Happy" ;-)

xxx